The Awakening of Trust

I wasn’t sure how long I had stood at my front door, staring off into space after Edward pulled away. Could it really be this easy? Certainly, the odds were stacked against us. But more and more I was starting to see them as nothing more than externals. When outside factors were removed and it was just us, it was easy to imagine we could have a future together.

The next few days passed quickly, and Edward had become a fixture at my house. He hadn’t spent the night since our meeting-the-parents debacle, but most of our waking moments were spent in each other’s company. Before I knew it, Monday rolled around and Edward and I were sitting in the waiting room of my doctor’s office, slight anomalies in the sea of pregnant women and concerned fathers-to-be.

“It’s going to be okay, you know.” Edward held my hand in his and rubbed circles across my knuckles.

“You can’t know that.”

“I do know that.” He leaned against me and kissed my cheek.

Soon I was on the exam table, naked from the waist down, awaiting my fate. Thankfully, this time my doctor didn’t keep me waiting.

“Okay,” she said glancing at my chart. “We’re inserting an IUD today. You’ll probably experience some cramping and spotting for a day or two. The procedure itself is actually very fast. Do have any questions for me before we begin?”

Um, yes, a pretty big question.

“Did my blood-work come back?”

She glanced down at my chart. “Yes. It all looks good.”

Fifteen minutes later, Edward and I were headed back to my house where he insisted on carrying me up the stairs and putting me into bed.

“You’re being ridiculous,” I told him. “I can walk. I feel fine. Really.”

“Like you’d tell me if you didn’t.”

He had a point. He got into bed next to me and pulled me into his arms. I curled myself into him and closed my eyes. I wasn’t sure how long we lied there silently before he spoke.


“Yes?” I answered.

“Why were you so scared earlier?”

“I was afraid it would hurt.”

“We both know that wasn’t it.”

I was going to have to have this discussion with him sooner or later.

“Fine, then. Specifically, I was scared about getting my blood work back, of having an STD. Given my history, statistics were not on my side. There. I said it.”

He swallowed before speaking. “How many men have you slept with?”

I couldn’t answer his question, but that really wasn’t the point. I didn’t feel I should have to.

“Why does the number of partners I’ve had concern you so much? This is now the second time you’ve brought it up. You claim it doesn’t matter, yet you won’t let it go.”

“‘Partners,'” he said. “Wait, we are just talking about men here, right? I asked about men and you responded with ‘partners’. That can only mean one thing. You’ve played for both teams.”


I gulped.

“What definition of ‘played’ are we working with?”

“There’ve been women, too?” His eyes widened with disbelief.

“You never answered my question. Either it matters to you or it doesn’t. If it truly doesn’t matter to you,  you’d drop it.”

“Wait, I just found out my girlfriend may be a switch hitter and I’m supposed to just drop it?”

“I don’t swing the other way—not regularly. I experimented with women a few times just to see if it was something I’d be into, and it wasn’t. I like cock. End of story.”

“‘Experimented’ can mean a whole of lot of things.”

“And I’ve probably done them all.” I rolled my eyes at him.

“All of them? As in everything?”

“Yes, everything. But you claimed the past was irrelevant. So, either man up and stick with your previous statement, or admit that you’re ashamed of me and get the fuck out of my house.”

“I could never be ashamed of you. But I have to wonder if you are ashamed of yourself.”

“I’m not.” And I wasn’t.

“I don’t believe you.”

“Why? Because you can’t wrap your mind around sexual confidence?”

“That’s not the problem. Why won’t you just talk to me about it?”

“Fine. We’ll talk. What do you want to know?” I asked, exasperated.

“How many partners?”

“Except that.”

He rolled his eyes. “Fine, I’ll skip that one for now. How many of your partners were women?”


“And you…you went…” He couldn’t even say it.

“You’re guilt-tripping me for not wanting to discuss sex acts that you can’t even say out loud. I’m not the only person in this bed with communication issues.”

“So, you’ve gone down on two women.” He finally just blurted it out.

“I’ve gone down on one woman. Two women have gone down on me.”


“No, individually. Why does this bother you?”

“Because now I don’t just have to worry about the possibility of losing you to another guy, I also have to worry about women.”

“Actually, you don’t have to worry about losing me at all, unless, of course, you continue to bring up things from the past that don’t matter.”

“How will I ever be enough for you?”

“Hey,” I said, pulling his face toward mine. “You’re everything for me. There’s no reason to feel insecure. I knew having this conversation would give you a complex, and that’s why I wanted to avoid it. I just want to keep you safe, to make sure nothing I’ve done in my past can come back and hurt you.”

“That’s really it?”


“Thank you—for getting tested, for getting the IUD, for being with me. ”

I knew he meant it sincerely.

“You’re welcome.”

He gave me a gentle kiss.

“When you went down on that chick, how did that work? Was she going down on you at the same time? What did she look like?”

I should have seen this one coming a mile away. He’s a guy; of course, he’d want details. Still, it was kind of surprising coming from him.

“You’re kidding me.”

“No. That’s hot.”

“Funny, three minutes ago you seemed more than a little freaked out about it.”

“Oh, I was. I kind of still am. But now that’s out there, a visual image wouldn’t be the worst thing. It might help me, you know, when I’m alone.”

“You don’t need to jerk off to mental images of my past sexual encounters. Just tell me when you’re ready. I’ll get you plenty of your own to remember.”

I held him tightly and kissed his mouth, running my tongue along his lower lip before placing small kisses down his neck and on his throat. With my head on his chest. I  listened to his deeper-than-usual breathing. At some point I must have dozed off, because the next thing I knew it was dark and I was alone. After a moment, I recognized the faint strains of Moonlight Sonata coming from the living room and realized Edward hadn’t left me after all.

I went downstairs and put my arms around him, resting my cheek against his back as he played.

“You stayed.”

“As if there was ever any question.” His hands stroked the piano keys, not missing a single a note. He completed the piece and pulled me onto the bench next to him. “Do you know anything about music theory?”

“Nothing whatsoever.”

“There are seven unique tones in a scale. For the sake of simplicity, we’ll start with C major. Middle C is this key here. Why don’t you stroke it?”

I put my hand on his chest and slowly started moving it downward.

“I would love to stroke it.”

“You know that wasn’t what I meant.”

The tell-tale blush appeared. I was starting to get very good at determining the extent of Edward’s arousal solely on the shade of his cheeks.

“Are you telling me to stop?” My hand continued its slow descent.

“I don’t want you to stop,” he whispered. “But I don’t think this is the time for that. I know you’re still cramping from your appointment, and I don’t want our first time to be in response to my insecurity. You shouldn’t feel you have to bring me up to speed.”

“Okay.” I moved my hand off his torso and placed it on my lap. “It’s very late. Do your parents know you’re here?”

“Yes, but I should probably get going.”

“As disappointing as I find that, it’s just as well. Alice is supposed to stop by in the morning.”

“It’s such a small world that your best friend shops for my mom. Mom speaks very highly of Alice, you know. So, am I ever going to get to meet her?”

“Sure, you will. The timing just hasn’t worked out yet,” I lied.

“Well, you two have fun tomorrow,” he said, getting up from the piano.

I walked him to the door.

“Oh, yes. Wedding insanity is so much fun.” I rolled my eyes.

“Hey, if you’re lucky you only get married once, right? Let her have her fun with it.” He gave me a quick kiss. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Edward.”

The following morning, as Alice and I sipped our lattes at Starbucks, we managed to talk for about fifteen minutes about other things before Alice brought up her wedding. It was a new record.

“I’ve been thinking about how to handle the whole escort situation. Emmett is the best man, and you’re the maid of honor, so technically we should have you announced together at the reception. But that seems kind of weird with Rose also in the wedding party. And then there’s Jake. I’m not sure where to put him.”

“Jasper is having Jake as one of his groomsmen? That’s so sweet of him to include your little brother. You could always send Jake out with the flower girls. How old is he now?”

“Seventeen,” she said. “He’ll actually be eighteen by the wedding. So he’s way older than they are. It presents a dilemma though, because I can’t send him out with you.”

“Why not? It’s a just a recessional and a dance.”

“He’s a kid.”

“So? It will be cute. Besides, he’s practically my brother, too, even if I haven’t seen him since we moved out here.”

“It will look weird.”

I sighed. “Then have us announced separately and skip the whole bridal party dance thing.”

“Or you could each dance with your dates.”

I started to choke on my latte. Oh, the irony. I could bring Edward to Alice’s wedding. Of course, he’s the same age as her brother. It sure as hell wouldn’t help with her issue with appearances.

“I wasn’t planning on bringing a date,” I said. “Alice, you have two months to figure all this out. Don’t lose sleep over it right now.”

“Good point. I’ll figure something out.”

The next couple of days passed and I couldn’t get Alice out of my head. She’d given me no reason to think she would ever be accepting of my relationship with Edward. I took my own advice. I didn’t lose sleep over it.

Insecurities aside, Edward was the perfect boyfriend. Extremely attentive and chivalrous, he anticipated my every need.

Well, my almost every need. We’d yet to really do anything besides kiss, and we hadn’t done that very frequently. I didn’t want to rush him, but at the same time I had no idea how to express my feelings for him in the absence of sex. I wanted more than anything to give myself to him physically. He hadn’t indicated why he wanted to hold off, or even if he was waiting for anything in particular. He was just very careful to make sure things never progressed beyond a certain point. Specifically, we never touched below the waist.

Before I knew it, we were about to head off for Fourth of July weekend at his parents’ beach house. I still had very mixed emotions about spending four straight days with Edward’s parents. As much as I wanted the time with him, I knew there would be very awkward moments and that I would almost certainly feel as though I were auditioning for their approval. It was a new thing for me. I worried about how my own parents felt about me, but I desperately wanted Carlisle and Esme to like me. I knew the island their shore home was on was dry, so I bought some wine to bring down with me. It still seemed so impersonal. I hoped they’d let me cook for them at least one night while I was there. That was at least something I could do for them.

I put it all out of my mind and decided to focus on less stressful thoughts. Like Edward. That boy had my mind in the gutter. The idea of sex with him was rapidly becoming an obsession. I closed my eyes and ran my hands over my body, imagining he was here with me. I needed release, and I would take it any way I could get it. After only a few moments of stroking myself, I climaxed.

I was about to drift off to sleep when Edward called. He always called to say good night. I’d decided that second only to time I actually spent with him, his nightly phone call was my favorite part of each day.

“I was just thinking of you.”

“Really now?” he asked. “What were you thinking?”

I decided to just tell him. Maybe he’d be less embarrassed over the phone.

“I was touching myself, and thinking how much I wished it had been your hands on me—in me—rather than my own.”


Shit. Now I’ll never get laid.

“Does that make you uncomfortable?”


Taking that as encouragement, I decided I might as well go for broke.

“I started by touching my breasts. I squeezed them and pinched my nipples. Then I trailed my hands down lower, until I found my clit.”

“What next?” His voice was barely audible.

“I flicked my index finger back and forth, while pumping two fingers from my other hand in and out of me, until I came. Would you like to come with me, Edward?”


“Are you alone?”


“I want you to take your cock out of your pants. Is it hard for me?”


“Did you take it out?”


“The things I want to do to your cock. I could hardly control myself in the shower that day. I wanted to fall to my knees and lick you, to pull your cock deep into my mouth. Would you have liked that? Would you like for me to suck you off?”

“Oh, yes.”

“Are you touching yourself? I want you to touch yourself. I want you to make yourself come.”

His breathing got much heavier. He grunted a few times, and I think I may have heard an “Oh Bella” in there somewhere.  Afterward, he didn’t speak for several moments, but I knew he was still on the phone.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m so much better than okay.”

Good to know.

“I liked hearing you, knowing that I was helping you bring yourself pleasure. I wish I could have seen you…to watch your face as you came.”

“Soon, Bella.”

I was being manipulative, and I knew it. But I also knew that in his post-orgasmic haze he’d probably tell me whatever I wanted to know.

“I don’t want to pressure you, but why exactly are we waiting?”

“Remember when you said you had wanted your first time to be with someone with whom you were in love?”

“Yes.” I instantly regretted asking. I had an overwhelming feeling I wasn’t going to like what he said next.

“You can still have that, just not at the time in your life you thought you would.”

Was that really what was holding him back? I was fixated on the idea that it was his lack of feelings for me, could it actually be the other way around?

“Have you ever been in love—really and truly in love?”

“No,” I said, honestly.

“I think I can be that person for you. I don’t know why…”

I didn’t want him to think I had no feelings for him.

“Edward, I–”

“You don’t have to say anything you’re not ready to say. I know you aren’t in love with me…yet. I also know you will be. And when you do love me, I want to give you so much more than the orgasm you just gave me. I want to give you all of me.” He sighed. “You just aren’t there yet.”

“I know.  But I’m getting closer.”

And I was. Oh, but I was.

“It will be worth it; I promise you. Now you need to get some sleep. I’ll see you in a few hours. Good night, love.”

“Good night.”

There was so much for me to think about. He’d only mentioned waiting until my feelings for him intensified, but said nothing about his feelings for me. It could only really mean one thing.

Edward was already in love with me.

I could have spent the rest of the night  just thinking about this, but a few moments later, sleep claimed me anyway.

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7 Responses

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  1. on 29 Sep 2010 at 7:52 pmlisa89

    Alice is making me sad again. I don’t like her much, but I think I’ve been turned off fanfic!Alice by all the horrible characterizations of her. So I think it’s just me, and not your wonderful writing. Or maybe I’m not supposed to like her. IDK!

    Edward made me giggle with his curiosity about Bella’s homosexual encounters. Not that she’s homosexual, but I’m sure you know what I mean. Ah, boys . . .


  2. on 12 Nov 2010 at 1:26 amkng1986

    “…It might help me, you know, when I’m alone.” Edward may be a gentleman, but he is a man, lol. I loved the self love in this chapter, especially the phone sex.


  3. on 25 Nov 2010 at 1:30 pmBooksgalore/Bookishqua

    Somehow I just don’t see Alice being cool or understanding.
    Edward is sweet.


  4. on 08 Dec 2010 at 11:04 pmNKubie

    Didn’t see the woman action coming (pun intended), but Edward’s reaction was funny and typical. Not happy with Alice either. I don’t see her being very accepting either.


  5. on 29 Dec 2010 at 4:24 amFancastride

    Edward waiting till she is in love he is a dream come true.


  6. on 04 Jan 2011 at 12:11 amSea4Me

    Sigh. So mature. My hubby made me be patient, too. Drove me batty at the time…


  7. on 28 Jan 2011 at 3:57 pmJanice

    Can he be in love?? Or infatuated???